ONLINE ROMANCE:
Staying Safe in the Real World
by Sheri McGregor

Home

Books

About Sheri

Professional Facts

Clips Viewable Online

Links

Press

“Neither of us was looking for someone,” says Tracy Cooper-Posey, who met her husband Mark online.  “Both of us were subscribed to the discussion list for professional reasons.”

     Unlike the Poseys who found romance unexpectedly, more and more people are looking for love through online dating services. Singles” sites have  replaced singles bars and computerized matchmaking clubs.  With today”s dating services, members may be geographically a world  apart, but are brought together in cyberspace. Though physically distant, emotional intimacy grows quickly.

     Cooper-Posey explains, “When you consider that online relationships are pure relating, with no external events and stimulus to distract you, it”s  hardly surprising. An e-mail message gives you just enough distance so that you can say frank and truthful things that would take you a month of blushing  and stammering to get out in a real conversation.”


 

     Teri Hill, who met her fiance Randy through an online matchmaking service, agrees. “It”s very easy, during the first few weeks of correspondence, to  throw in “make or break” questions,” Hill says.  Face-to-face you might hesitate to ask: What are your religious beliefs? Have you ever been convicted of a crime? These questions are  much easier to address through a series of words on a computer screen.

     Whether you”re looking for love online, or simply stumble upon it, do  hours spent chatting or sending e-mails back and forth mean you really  know the person? Is it safe to meet face-to-face?

     Caution and a healthy dose of doubt make good sense. Computer chatting is a remote medium that makes lying or exaggeration easy -- the other person can”t see you to verify what”s being said.  Paula Smith, who has used an online dating service, says, “It seems  that the only men I meet on here are liars or players.”

     It may not always be as bad as Smith”s experience, but even Hill,  whose online dating has resulted in May wedding plans warns, “You have to  take their answers with a grain of salt.”  Hill, who dated online for three years before finding her fiance, chose services that assigned a code name, with all correspondence being sent to a  virtual mailbox at the site. No real information is revealed unless you offer it. “So it started out safe,” she says.

     After e-mail and chatting, the next logical step is to pick up the telephone. If you haven”t already asked questions about the person”s background and family commitments, do so now. Find out where the person lives and works, and their involvement in the community.  If intimacy continues via the telephone and develops to the point of  wanting to meet, then a home number makes sense. If someone is unwilling  to give you more than a cellular or work number at this point, be cautious.  They may be hiding a spouse. If you have the home number, call at an unplanned time. A stranger”s voice answering may alert you to a significant other.

     Listen to your inner sense. Just like in real life, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Smith learned the hard way when she arranged a face-to-face meeting. Her online Romeo turned out be married.  “I had already suspected it,” Smith says. “But like a stupid, naive person, I tried to ignore that little voice.” 

     In making the decision to go a step further with an online friend, a few  precautions prior to meeting will help to ensure your health and happiness.  

OBTAIN AS MUCH INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE:   The main rule in cyberspace is to not give out your home or office address, but that”s a tricky directive. You may want this information to verify  the other person”s honesty and as a reassurance this person is for real. But just because your online suitor is willing to give you their personal home and  work details, that doesn”t mean you should follow suit. Make sure you”re completely at ease before you give out any personal information you might later regret having revealed.  

     Ask for the individual”s full name and date of birth. Listen to the person”s social manners on the telephone. Do you feel comfortable? Don”t make the leap from e-mail and telephone to an in-person meeting unless you”re ready.  Talk about the person”s family. Make sure you get their names.

ONCE YOU”VE DECIDED TO MEET IN PERSON:  Bring along a friend. Or, at the very least, give a trusted friend the  meeting details, including time and place. Supply all the information you have about the person, including a printout of a digital photo. “Anything that might be helpful should you disappear off the face of the earth,” Hill says.  “If plans  change, at least leave a message letting your friend know.” Arrange to check  in via the telephone when the meeting is over so your friend knows all is  well. This may give you an opportunity to discuss the date with an objective third party too.

    Take your own vehicle and meet in a public place -- preferably during  the day. Hill says, “Do not meet and then get into his car to go somewhere else.” Even though you”ve talked online, “This person is still a stranger.”

     No matter how well it goes, do NOT invite the person back to your home. You need to take some time to reflect on the meeting. With a little distance, your intuition may alert you to a problem. Better to ask questions on the phone the next day than be sorry you let your guard down.

     With common sense and a few precautions, you can avoid disaster and perhaps join other couples who”ve gained happy endings through online romance.